


Contamination

by brokenchesspieces



Series: Infection [2]
Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Angst, Angst and Tragedy, Established Relationship, F/M, Gen, Tragedy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-02-13
Updated: 2015-02-19
Packaged: 2018-03-12 03:19:20
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,689
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3341609
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brokenchesspieces/pseuds/brokenchesspieces
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What was thought to be a passing illness due to overexposure to red lyrium manifested into something far worse.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Seeing Red

At first there seemed to be nothing wrong. Inquisitor Lavellan grew stronger after her illness passed, and seemed to mostly recover. There were still times when she was unwell—seemingly out of nowhere—but it was nothing she couldn't handle on her own. That much she insisted. Besides, there was no time for the luxury of sitting around until all of her symptoms disappeared completely.

Everyone knew that time was not on their side while Corypheus was out there.

It was always worse, however, after she traveled to places with high concentrations of red lyrium. Most times she could avoid it by taking a longer way around it, but they couldn't always spare the time. Mostly she could hide her discomfort after returning to Skyhold—not being so lucky out on the road as she emptied her stomach—and that was how she intended to keep it. Only when she couldn't hide being sick did she have to admit that she wasn't feeling her best, but she could pull through it. The Inquisitor couldn't afford to be weak.

Too many depended on her for that.

Though, there was one morning she nearly screamed when she looked into a handheld mirror she used to make sure she looked presentable before leaving her quarters. Dropping it, the reflective glass shattered and splintered. Biting down on her tongue she held in the screech that wanted to escape while bending to pick up the broken mirror. A quick glance at her eyes showed nothing that she thought she saw. Maybe exhaustion was getting to her and making her see things. It was the only explanation she could think of.

"Is something wrong?"

_Cullen._

Of course he was there. They often shared a bed when she was back at Skyhold these days. Their relationship something well known throughout the fortress. Not that anyone was brave enough to openly discuss it, but it was no surprise when the two would exit her quarters in the morning.

"N-no, I just...just dropped my mirror...."

She heard shuffling from the bed, so she was quick to set aside the now ruined mirror and pick up the largest of the broken pieces that fell free from the frame. He didn't need to worry about something she was imagining.

Her moment of terror hadn't completely passed, however. Ellana could have _sworn_ she saw a glow of red.

  


For weeks she was afraid to look at her own reflection, but at the same time she couldn't stop herself from glancing at every reflective surface she passed. She had to be certain it was just a trick of her mind, and after seeing nothing in all that time, she finally relaxed. 

She was certain it was just her mind playing a cruel trick.

  


Sealing rifts was getting tedious. How many could there possibly be? 

After clearing out the demons, Ellana raised her hand to use the mark to seal the rift, like all the other times she had done so, but once it was sealed, a flare of red came from her hand before the light died and her panic returned with full force.

"Inquisitor?"

The world around her didn't exist in that moment. All she could focus on was the mark that seemed benign and a faint glow of green before it faded completely. The only times it turned red was when Corypheus—or one of his minion—was effecting the anchor. With no one around, however, she doubted this had to deal with any of their enemies.

"Inquisitor!"

Glancing up, her eyes wide from fear, she realized that Cassandra was shouting at her. "Y-yes?" She hated how her voice broke in that moment. Did her friends see what she saw? Was she just seeing things again? 

"Are you...are you alright?"

"I'm.... I'll be okay," she said while running a shaky hand through her hair.

Cassandra stared at her quietly for a moment before turning away and heading back in the direction of the nearest camp. There was little else for them to do out here anyway, so the choice was of no surprise. Bull followed Cassandra, but Varric lingered behind with her behind them.

"So...red, huh? Doesn't do that often, does it?" he asked quietly.

So she hadn't imagined it.

"Not normally...no," she sighed. "Varric—"

"I won't say a word, Inquisitor. Not unless you want me to."

"...thanks, Varric."

  


Again there were no flashes of red for an extended period of time, but Ellana was on guard. This time she knew it wasn't just her mind playing tricks, and she dreaded what that meant. She now recalled everything from her little 'trip' to the future with Dorian now that she wasn't delirious like she was before, and the reminder that red lyrium was an infection lurked at the back of her mind.

Would it begin to grow out of her?

They all had been so certain that it was just overexposure causing her illness before. She hadn't touched the stuff, so why, _why_ was this happening?

Her fear was starting to put a strain on her relationship with Cullen. She was worried that it would effect him far worse than her if she passed it on, so she was trying to keep him at a distance. It hurt to see him feel dejected when she would remember her concerns and turned away from a kiss or pulled away from his touch. She refused to be the source of such suffering when they knew what red lyrium did to templars.

And when she was the most distraught the singing started again.

Ellana realized this when she would stress over what all this meant and how it would effect those she was around. She even made an attempt to keep everyone at arm's length from her. At least then, if they couldn't touch her, the chances of passing something along would decrease. And then there was the conversation she overheard between Cullen, Dorian, and Varric. 

_She hadn't meant to eavesdrop, but as she opened the door leading to the main hall from Solas' office of sorts, she froze in opening the door when she heard voices._

_"I don't know what I did wrong."_  
 _"I'm sure you didn't do anything, Curly. She's been keeping everyone at a distance lately."_  
 _"And she hasn't told me of anything, let alone any mistakes you may have made," Dorian added. "It's like she's closed herself off to everyone around her. Do you think the stress is getting to her?"_  
 _"It is a possibility. She has looked exhausted a lot more lately," Varric chimed in._  
 _"I just wish she would tell me what was wrong. How can we fix it if she won't—"_  
 _"I don't think this is something you can fix, Curly."_  
 _"Do you know something we don't?"_

_The silence that followed was a relief to Ellana, meaning Varric kept his promise to her, but a moment later she found herself collapsed against the door and clutching her head as the singing seemed impossibly loud. She didn't even remember passing out._

That was how she found herself waking up in her bed feeling like she was dropped off of the mountain. Groaning, she pulled herself upright, feeling the familiar churning of her stomach in the process, but she was grateful that she managed to keep from getting sick. 

"Ellana?" 

Snapping her head up toward the voice, she saw Cullen standing from her desk and making his way over to the bed, reaching out to touch her but hesitating. It broke her heart to know she put that uncertainty in his mind. 

"...yes, Cullen?" 

Making no move to pull back—even though everything in her mind screamed at her to because of the danger she posed—Ellana sighed and closed her eyes as he cupped her cheek and looked at her as if she was the most precious thing in all of Thedas; she couldn't bear to see him look at her like that. He shouldn't be near her. She was a danger, but she couldn't bring herself to warn him. Would he even listen? 

"Ellana, if...if I've done anything—" 

A sob broke free, and she moved her hand to cover his to keep him from pulling away. "You've done n-nothing to worry about," she whispered. 

"Then _please_ tell me what is wrong."

She couldn't. She couldn't tell him what was wrong. Not truly. 

"I'm just...not feeling well again...."

"You don't have to hide it. You know I won't abandon you over something like this. Let me help."

Her heart felt like it was being crushed into pieces with each word he spoke. She knew he wouldn't abandon her. By the creators she _knew_ , and that was the problem. She needed him to be safe. Of all people she wanted him to be kept from danger the most, and she was the most dangerous thing to him.

He couldn't help her with this.

"Cullen...." Opening her eyes, she couldn't meet his gaze. She feared if she did, she wouldn't be able to hold back any information he asked for. "There's so much more for you to worry about. I'm sorry for being distant...." It was true. She was sorry, but that didn't mean she would stop. She couldn't. Maybe lying would help ease his fears, but how could she add more lies? Keeping the truth from him was already enough. Blatantly lying seemed far too much.

"I don't want you pushing me away. If I can help in any way, let me know."

She simply nodded to show that she heard him but offered no reply to his request. How could she tell him? What would she say? No, it was best to keep this suffering to herself. How could she tell him that she was most certainly dying?

A moment later he sighed in resignation and she dropped her hand so he could pull his away. Cullen did as expected and dropped his own from her face, but he then took her hand in his and sat in silence with her.

His presence was a relief and a curse.

  


Running from one end of the Exalted Plains to the other was certainly far more pleasant than most locations—the Hissing Wastes being one of the most unpleasant she could think of—but that didn't mean she enjoyed being splattered with blood all day, so it was a relief when they finally stopped to wash up. Dorian, Bull, and Varric decided to give her some privacy, saying they would take their turn afterward. While it was unnecessary—she had seen a number of naked men at this point in her life from simple washing, even the three of them—but it was appreciated. Being plagued with constant headaches with that blasted singing constantly a whisper in her mind with no hope for silence, a moment alone was a blessing. Shedding her armor, Ellana stepped into the river with every intention to make it quick. Scooping water up and splashing her face, she immediately set to wetting her hair and scrubbing the blood off of her skin. In the process, however, her hand brushed against something hard on her skin, forcing her to inspect the back of her left arm as best she could.

Then a scream ripped from her throat.

Barely a moment later her friends appeared with weapons drawn looking for an enemy that they suspected was there. Though, if the situation wasn't so serious, she would have found it a bit ridiculous. She would have shouted for them instead of screamed, and could possibly hold her own until they got there. She also would have laughed at their reaction if she didn't fear she would break down instead.

She was certain that she looked pathetic. Drenched, naked, and terrified as her hand covered what she wished was not poking through her skin. She wouldn't be able to hide it from them. Not if they insisted on knowing the cause since lying would not work. Especially not with Bull. The Qunari was trained in spying and lies, surely he of all of them would know better.

And they were probably waiting for an answer.

She wasn't sure she could give one.

Unsurprisingly, it was Dorian who approached first, stopping at the river's edge for a moment before treading in and looking down at her huddled form.

"Surely it wasn't a snake or something that caused you such a fright, but you can't sit here all day. Come now, let's get you dressed and back to camp."

He went to help her up, but she shifted away from his touch and looked up at him while trying not to cry. How did one avoid revealing something so serious? There were things she needed to do; this couldn't be happening. Though, as much as she wished it weren't true, Ellana knew sooner or later it would be unable to hide. Dropping her hand from the spot she was trying to keep hidden, she waited for a reaction as she looked away.

A stream of foreign curses she couldn't even start to understand escaped him.

So it was noticeable enough that he knew what it was without close examination. It must be worse than she first realized.

The others ran into the water as Dorian bent down and gripped her arm, careful not to touch the afflicted spot. Glancing at him through the corner of her eye, he looked...lost. Then again, he was her best friend. She would react similarly if it was him enduring such a fate.

"What is going—" Varric cut himself off as he stared where Dorian's hand hovered over her skin. "Well...shit."

She nearly snorted at the comment and probably would have if she wasn't so terrified. That was certainly one way of putting it.

Then again, how else could one react when small shards of red lyrium was growing out of their skin?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't think I would continue the somewhat badly written first part to this whole thing, but this second part wouldn't leave me alone, so I've decided to continue it. And what better way to celebrate a slightly early Valentine's day than with angst?


	2. Keeping Secrets

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some people cannot know what is happening to her; she refuses to share her fate with everyone.

She avoided returning to Skyhold. How could she go back when she knew what was happening to her? Ellana used the excuse that the rifts could not wait to be closed, and luckily that was true. She wanted to keep her condition a secret. That is, other than the three who witnessed it first hand, and she made them promise not to breathe a word of it to anyone. Others only needed to know as she told them, but—as to stop any concern that she might let the situation get out of hand—they also had orders to kill her if something went wrong. Dorian paled at the order, Varric hesitated, and Bull seemed to accept the grim responsibility. However, she could not keep the three of them running all over Thedas with her. Both Varric and Dorian made their dislike for nature and traveling in less than pleasant weather very much known in the past, so before leaving the Exalted Plains—once all the reported rifts there were taken care of—she sent them back to Skyhold to send Cassandra and Cole to meet up with her and Bull in the Emerald Graves.

"Boss?"

They were still hours away from the camp where they would wait to meet up with the others, and most of their trip was made in silence. She wondered if it was because of fear of what she would become that kept Bull silent. He wasn't too fond of anything involving magic or demons, and this came pretty close. For her, however, she was trying to come to terms with the fact that she would not survive this.

"Yes, Bull?"

"Are you going to avoid Skyhold completely? A leader should not be away from their men for too long. It sets up a drop in morale pretty quick."

Ellana sighed and continued walking in silence for a while. He made a good point. The troops could possibly feel abandoned if she refused to go back completely, but staying away would keep them safer.

She was a ticking time bomb.

"I will go back when necessary, but...for now it is more important to close the rifts while I still have the ability to think clearly. If the time comes where I—"

"I understand."

And that was that. The topic was dropped and they continued on to the camp without bringing it up again.

  


Once Cassandra and Cole arrived, along with soldiers sent to replace some stationed at the camp where they gathered, she knew that she could not keep it from them, either.

"Shrill and sharp, a song that won't stop. Pain, pressure, pressing, breaking through skin...red that is not blood...."

"Cole..." she sighed.

"You're hurting. You're hurting, but I cannot help. Wait...I can, but no, not now. It's not time."

"What is he going on about?" Cassandra interrupted while looking between the three of them as if they all knew something she did not.

It was true. She was the only one unaware for the moment, but that would soon change.

"There is something...I need to show you, but first you must promise to tell _no one_."

Cassandra looked like she wanted to argue, but it seemed she realized that she was seriously asking for her cooperation. They were friends, and she hoped that trust would continue. She needed the woman's strength that she always seemed to hold onto effortlessly. Maybe then she could do what was needed.

"I promise," she said.

Nodding, she led her over to a tent and checked that it was empty before walking in and tugging at her light armor.

"Are you injured? If that's the case why didn't you return to Skyh—"

Revealing her arm to Cassandra, Ellana watched the other woman's eyes widen before her expression turned serious.

"Who knows of this?" she asked stiffly.

"You, Cole, Bull, Dorian, and Varric."

"No others?"

"Not at the moment, no, and I would like to keep it quiet."

Cassandra stared at her for what felt like an age, but a short nod was what she eventually received in return.

"That is...probably for the best. Should our enemies learn of this, you will be more of a target than you are now, but...."

It wasn't like the other to not directly say what she was thinking, so Ellana wasn't sure how to feel about her hesitation to continue her sentence. Was she concerned about her ability to lead? It was a valid concern that even she could not deny.

"...how are you feeling?"

That was a bit of a surprise, but it pulled a small smile from her as she covered back up, hiding the inflicted skin of her arm. "Terrified," she admitted. "There's...nothing I can do about this, so I can only keep going until I—" This was harder to accept out loud rather than quietly to herself. "Until I either meet my end against Corypheus or need someone to...finish the job for me. Rifts need to be closed before then, so...I'll do what I must."

"And what of the Commander? Will you tell him?"

"...no."

She didn't want to keep secrets, but this one would be best to remain only among her companions that needed to know. It would do more harm than good to let him know what was happening to her. 

"You've thought about this?" Cassandra questioned while crossing her arms.

"I had plenty of time to think on the way here. Someone must kill me if it goes to far and I am no longer myself. I do not wish to die, but I cannot be allowed to hurt anyone. You understand, don't you?"

Cassandra sighed, but Ellana knew the other woman took her duty seriously. She would not risk so many just because she was her friend.

"I do."

Relaxing slightly, she sighed and started for the entrance to the tent. They had work to do.

  


It wasn't until before the assault on the Arbor Wilds that she finally returned to Skyhold. If there was the option to simply meet their forces there, she would have taken it, but as that was not the case, Ellana found herself staring down at the map in the War Room. She was alone for the moment—the sun having not yet risen and being unable to sleep lately kept everyone else away for the time being—and she was trying to remember where she still needed to seal rifts. Time was running out, and there were moments when she simply didn't remember what she was doing anymore.

_"Hey, Boss!"_

_Blankly staring at the fight taking place in front of her, she stared down at her hand where a spell was forming, but she couldn't remember what that spell was. Who was she supposed to strike with it again?_

_"Move!"_

_Crashing to the ground, Ellana groaned while trying to push herself back up, only to notice Cassandra standing where she was before being knocked down, fighting off a bandit, and she froze. What happened? She couldn't remember the moments before she hit the ground, and it terrified her._

Hearing the door open, she jumped slightly, not realizing she had been lost in her thoughts. However, it did not surprise her to see Leliana arrive. The woman seemed to always be working, no matter the hour. It made her wonder if the other woman was aware of her condition even without explicitly telling her. It wouldn't be surprising if she did know considering she was her spymaster.

"You're awake," Leliana stated, pausing only briefly before approaching the table.

"I couldn't sleep."

A silent nod was all the reply she received. If Leliana knew about what was happening to her body, she kept the knowledge to herself. Maybe she really didn't know.

"I believe the Commander has also had trouble with that tonight if you would like to go speak to him."

Suspicious as to her reasons for making mention of Cullen, Ellana wasn't sure she wanted to talk to him. What would she say? What _could_ she say? "Trying to kick me out, Leliana?" she tried to joke.

A short sound of amusement left the woman before shaking her head. "Of course not, Inquisitor, but you have been gone for months closing rifts and helping others. Surely you would like to take a moment to catch up with him, no?"

"...I don't know what I— Never mind me, I'm just rambling," she quickly cut herself off. No need to bring Leliana's attention to her if she did not already know. "Maybe I should go see him, thank you for telling me. I will be back later for our meeting."

Once she put her hand on the door, she froze.

"You should tell him. He should know."

Pressing her forehead against the wood, Ellana took a shuddering breath. She couldn't break down. Not now. Not here.

Leliana knew.

_Of course she knew._

"If I don't...are you going to?" she asked quietly. She was curious, but she doubted it would change her decision to keep Cullen in the dark about what was happening to her.

"No. It is your private matter. I will not tell him unless you wish for me to do so."

"...thank you."

Taking in a deep breath to calm herself, Ellana needed to be certain that she would not break down. She could not risk being weak. Not now.

  


In the end, she never did make it to Cullen's office. Instead she lingered near a broken section of the battlements. The red lyrium growing through her skin was only slight, and easily hidden without suspicion under her light armor, but it was obvious against her skin without it, and it had spread down to nearly her wrist and over her shoulder. The small crystals weighed down on her, and the song was constant now. It grew slightly louder as the infection grew, sometimes leaving her unable to hear what was being said. Luckily she managed to hear through their meeting, knowing what the plan of attack was before they were dismissed to make final preparations.

Pressing a hand against her head as the song screeched in her head, Ellana jumped when she felt a hand brush against her left sleeve, turning sharply and pulling her arm away. Panic must have been obvious in her eyes because Cullen looked guilty at startling her, and she was grateful he hadn't simply grabbed hold of her arm. Would it be obvious then?

"Y-yes?" she asked, cursing the fact that she stuttered. 

"I didn't mean to scare you, but...did you not hear me calling you?"

"Ah, no, sorry. I...have a lot of things on my mind."

He looked uncomfortable after her statement, and she felt bad that she put that expression there. 

"I understand. If you're busy perhaps I should—"

"There was something you wished to discuss?" Of course there was. Undoubtedly there was always something that needed to be discussed, whether it be for Inquisition business or, in their case, more personal matters. It didn't help that she set up herself for this confrontation by staying away and distancing herself from him.

"Yes, but...not in the hall. Should we...meet in my office?"

Even with no intention of telling him what was happening to her, she felt that she owed him answers to some of his questions. The least she could do was hear him out. "My quarters are closer, or we can wait a few moments until Josephine, Morrigan, and Leliana vacate the War Room if you prefer—"

"You quarters are fine. If...that's okay?"

Offering a small smile she nodded and led the way, remaining silent until they made it to her room and she waved a hand to the couch. Cullen made no motion to sit, so she sighed slightly and sat on the arm of the couch as if ready to flee if necessary.

"I received your letters," he started. "They, admittedly, are not the same as having you here, but are you certain you are alright? Running all over Thedas with no break, and now our assault on the Arbor Wilds, are you certain you can do this?"

Honestly, she wasn't certain, but she could not admit that to him. He would only worry more if she did.

"I'm surprised you replied to as many of my letters as you did with your sister's often going longer without replies." Maybe if she joked a little she could lighten the mood. It was certainly worth a try. "But don't worry about me. I can manage. Not that I would have much of a choice if I couldn't. We can't let Corypheus reach whatever he's after there."

"Honestly, I'm more concerned about you. You have sent your companions back for rest and to switch out, but you are the only one who hasn't been here in months. Forgive me for a lack of professionalism, but I want you to rest once in a while. The world may be falling apart, but you can't fix everything."

"But the rifts—"

"As much as I know I should say otherwise...the rifts can wait. Your health comes first. If you...if you're no longer able to travel, the rifts will remain open anyway."

Cullen was a stubborn man when he felt the need to be, that much was apparent to her. If only he knew how dire the situation was...how much she _needed_ to close the rifts as soon as possible....

"Ellana...."

He reached for her, but she managed to keep from shying away since he touched her right arm. In all honesty, he probably shouldn't touch her at all, but she couldn't deny that she craved some sort of contact with him.

"Please take care of yourself. I cannot be out there with you; though, Maker knows I wish I could, so please, do not overwork yourself."

"...then you need to do the same."

The short chuckle that pulled from him lightened the burden she felt weighing down on her. At least she could bring him some brief amusement while the world was falling down around them.

"As you wish."


End file.
